America the Brawny

BRIAN: Peter, you’re an early American history expert.

PETER: Well, that’s reassuring.

BRIAN: Yeah, well, before we go forward in this show, I want to know what the War of 1812 is all about. So this is what we’re going to do. You are going to pitch me the War of 1812, the movie. I need to know the good guys, the bad guys. I need to know who wins, who loses. I want to know what they’re fighting for. You got that?

PETER: Yeah. OK, Brian.

BRIAN: Action.

PETER: OK, Brian, I want you to sit back and take a wide angle view. We got a varied cast of characters. This is going to be a spectacle.

We have the British North Americans, otherwise known now as Canadians. We have the Native Americans, the Indians, trying to hold onto their land. We have got the nasty Brits, our historic enemy. This is the second war for American independence. And we’ve got the Americans and their fragile new republic.

BRIAN: Ed, pass the popcorn.

PETER: Hey, look, this new republic is at risk. Think of the United States as the damsel in distress.

BRIAN: [GASPS]

PETER: And how are the men going to stand up and protect Lady Liberty against the old, despotic mother country? So what you’re going to do is– what’s that Japanese movie, Rashomon, in which we have multiple perspectives?

BRIAN: Yep.

PETER: Brian, hold onto your seat. I want you to turn your perspective– this has got to be one of those swivel chairs. I want you to look east. I want you to look across the Atlantic. I want you to look at what’s happening out there.

The British are capturing our ships. This is the Great War between Britain and France, the Napoleonic Wars. It’s in the final phases. And Americans are suffering the consequences because they’re caught in the crossfire. OK? You got the picture?

BRIAN: I got it.

PETER: Big deal.

BRIAN: Yeah.

PETER: OK. Swivel that chair back. And I want you to look North. And you say, well, the people who live there, those Canadians, they wish they were in the United States. So all we got to do is show up and they’ll roll over.

We’re looking north. We’re really upset. We’re looking east. We’re really upset. We’re going to invade Canada. President James Madison, he may have been a short guy, but he was ready to stand tall.

ED: So, Peter, that’s very gripping what we see from the east and from the north. What if we swivel the chair to the west?

PETER: This has been an uplifting spectacle until now. But I’m afraid this is going to be tragic because we got losers out there. We got Native Americans, allies of the British, promised protection, promised a buffer state, promised their land. But they’re the big losers.

They’re not represented at the Treaty of Ghent. So they couldn’t protect their interests and the British let them down. So what we see is the end, the tragic end of Indian country.

ED: So, Peter, the Treaty of Ghent?

PETER: Yeah.

ED: What was that? What did it do?

PETER: December, 1814, it ended the war. And guess what we got? We got four Latin words, status quo, antebellum, the same old, same old. Nothing changed. Nothing happened.

ED: But, Peter, my understanding is the war doesn’t actually end with the Treaty of Ghent.

PETER: Well, Ed, we saved the best for last. As the credits are rolling, Andrew Jackson is rolling into New Orleans with his Kentucky riflemen. And two weeks after the treaty is signed at Ghent, because it takes so long for information to get across the ocean, the Americans win their first great victory on land at New Orleans. And they mow down those British soldiers.